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look up at his window and then come to the door, Aaron
would rush down the stairs and be there in an instant. Right
there in front of him, reaching out to him, grabbing onto him.
Never letting go.
He would watch from his window, euphoric with hope,
dizzy and out of control, breath and heartbeat far too
frighteningly fast.
Until Jake turned and walked away again.
Then it was the crash, the inevitable crash back to earth,
where his legs gave out under him and he'd drop to the floor
because he no longer had the rush that the sight of Jake shot
through his system to keep him upright. He would shake like
an addict bereft of his drug.
That lasted for two weeks.
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It lasted until Matt came home one day and found him
crouched down by the window. He had asked what was
wrong, and Aaron couldn't say a thing, couldn't form a word
that wasn't crazy. He couldn't say anything other than "Jake
walked away again," so he stayed silent.
After that, he vowed to no longer let Jake affect him that
way. He didn't want to run the risk of Matt finding him like
that again and asking more questions he couldn't, and
wouldn't, answer. So instead of the burning mania that had
consumed him before, he tried seeing Jake's visits for what
they were: glimpses of the world he used to know. He tried
replacing the hope with calm resignation, with that sad yet
fond remembrance one bears for days long gone, days that
won't ever return no matter how many stars you wish upon.
He tried turning Jake into a fond memory, like Sunday
dinner at Gran's or jumping in puddles on your way home
from school. Something that made you ache inside to
remember but also smile and be happy from the sheer fact
that it had happened at all.
He tried being happy he had splashed through the puddles
at one time in the not-too-distant past.
He tried because he didn't want Matt wondering any more
about why he found Aaron crying at the window when he
came home from work. One time was enough. It had to stop.
He had to make it stop.
So each time he'd see Jake across the street in the park,
pacing the sidewalk or sitting patiently on the bench, he'd try
to remember something good about him, something that
would make him smile instead of cry. There was so much that
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could make him smile, so much he had loved, that it wasn't
nearly as hard to hide the tears behind a grin and a happy
facade as he had thought it would be.
There were still days when he'd forget his resolution and
would lose it watching Jake do nothing to come closer to his
door. Those were usually the days it rained and Matt was
gone and there was no one home to fool. Those days, Aaron
would lay in the window seat and press his face against the
window and let himself cry, all the while telling himself it was
only the rain sliding down his cheeks in the reflection of his
face in the window and not the tears he tried so hard to hide.
The rain made it so much easier to be melancholy.
So much easier to forget what it was he was supposed to
be pretending to do.
The rain made it so much easier to care for Jake as he sat
without his coat or umbrella, soaked to the skin and alone.
So much easier to want to run out the door and sit beside
him on that bench, soaked to the skin and together.
So it would stand to reason that on one of those rainy days
he had let it all slip again and had asked Matt to take an
umbrella out to him. Of course Matt had done it, yet another
reason to hate him and love him all at once. He watched as
they talked, and his gut churned just thinking about what
they could even be saying to each other. When Matt handed
Jake the umbrella and he had looked up at Aaron with one of
his confused and beautiful "Jake" looks, Aaron scowled at his
stupidity like he would have done at any other time. But then
he had to turn away when the familiarity of it and the
happiness of looking into Jake's eyes rather than simply at
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him made the corners of his lips turn up in a grin. He was
waiting in the entry when Matt came back upstairs and
through the door.
"What were you saying to him?"
"I told him you said he'd get malaria and die like a hobo."
"Funny."
"It's what I said."
"You said a lot more than that. That would have taken two
seconds. I know it only used to take me two seconds to tell
him he was a dumbfuck. You were out there more than two
seconds."
"I told him to keep coming around."
"Why? Why would you ever do that?" Aaron asked in
alarm.
"Because it makes you happy when he does."
"And you see nothing wrong with that statement."
"Nope."
"Are you retarded?"
"Not that I know "
"Why would you tell someone to keep stalking your
boyfriend?"
"Because my boyfriend is stalking him too... albeit from a
window. A kind of stationary stalking, but stalking all the
same."
"What is wrong with you?"
"Nothing. I'm just wondering when I'm going to get my
place back to myself."
"What?" Aaron all but shouted.
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"Well, I figure if he keeps coming around long enough, one
of you two idiots should finally crack and do something about
the fact that you're both crazy and in love with each other
and crazy and lost without each other and crazy. Did I
mention crazy? Because you are. Crazy. Very, very, very
crazy. Like 'all work and no play makes Aaron a dull boy'
crazy."
"Me? Crazy? I think you just bought yourself a straight
jacket with that little speech, Matty."
"What? You think I don't know you're in love with him? I'd
be crazy if I didn't know that. How dumb do you think I am,
Aaron? I've got two eyes and a relatively perceptive brain. It
didn't take me too long to figure it all out."
Aaron stared at him, flustered and confused. "Well, how
long, then?" he demanded. "How long have you known, oh
wise one?"
"A while."
"A while? A fucking while? Since before we moved in
together?"
"Yeah."
"Then why the hell did you ask me to move in with you,
you tosspot?"
"I thought asking you to move in would be a big enough
shock to light a fire under your ass, but apparently I vastly
overestimated your intelligence."
"Duh! I'm stupid! Hello, arsehole! Where have you been?"
"Being stupid too and completely infatuated with you. Must
have been our stupids calling out to each other." [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]